In the last seven years of their dispute, these sensible, middle-class people accumulated more than pounds 100,000-worth of legal costs, equal to the value of each of their houses. Mr Stanton is a retired engineer, Mr Jones a retired teacher. Both of them must have risked the bulk of their life savings in their legal battle, which exquisitely demonstrates what mighty contests arise from trivial things. Mr Stanton had planted giant leylandii cypress trees in his garden to shield his property from the intrusive curiosity, as he saw it, of the Joneses. Certainly, Mrs W says she has never encountered them during her regular visits to the crimpers of south London. Without wanting to hint at the slightest tinge of vulgarity in the womenfolk of Essex, could it be that the peroxide parlour patronised by Mrs Gorman is not quite out of the top drawer?. The story of the Stantons and the Joneses gives the perfect picture of English litigiousness, showing two houses at variance with each other, Montagues and Capulets of our time. Quizzed following her visit to the distaff loo, Mrs W revealed that the prophylactic machine in there sold only sensible, flavour-free Mates, in contrast to the tangy versions purchased by optimistic males.Come to think of it, flavoured condoms seem unexpected articles to find lying around in bowls in a ladies' hair salon.

A friend of mine (who displayed a somewhat unwholesome interest in my discovery) inserted his coin as directed and received, in the time-honoured fashion of vending machines, precisely nothing. There was also a selection of alcoholic beverages - lager & lime, champagne and whisky - along with a single savoury, in the form of curry Not that you could choose which flavours you preferred. On payment of pounds 1, the machine delivered a random miscellany of two flavours Or, at least, it was supposed to. Yet a sojourn in a Greenwich pub made me realise that such a misapprehension might be quite easy to make. Required to make a call to the gents, I found a machine dispensing these intimate items in an enticing range of flavours.Mainly they were imbued with the traditional mainstays of British confectionery - banana, rhubarb & custard, chocolate, ice-cream (presumably vanilla), pineapple & peach, liquorice, mint and coconut.

Following the departure of her best schoolfriend when this pal's family moved abroad, she retained the bond via a series of lengthy phone calls. Eventually, an invitation for an extended Easter vacation arrived The destination? Abu Dhabi. And the age of the young ladies who were thereby reunited? Four.Cynical hacks made much of the news that Teresa Gorman, MP, mistaking a bowl of temptingly-wrapped prophylactics for sweets at her local hairdressers in Billericay, spent a while unhappily masticating a rubber sheath before realising her error. Dressed in shapeless woollen garments and sensible sandals, they drone on interminably about the joys and anxieties of motherhood, breaking off occasionally to draw Mrs W's attention to various shortcomings in the appearance and behaviour of their reluctant host.A story I heard recently underlined the power of this lifelong cement between females, and how early it can set. Some acquaintances of mine have just returned from a month-long foreign holiday, where they were accompanied by their son and daughter In fact, it was the daughter who initiated this excursion.