While you are sitting in the chair, they promise to play you your favourite music. Next!n THIS, dogged readers will know, is the column with a minority remit. And one of the unsung, unglamorous groups that it supports is: the nation's dentists. So I am happy to be able to bring you news of a pioneering and exciting new development that has just been introduced by Barbican Dental Care, based both in the City of London and here at Canary Wharf. An intellectual collision unrivalled since Fred Trueman took issue with a Trevor Bailey summary Balls smites two sixes and two fours in one over No contest Victory for The Brain over The Vulcan. And I have more bad news: Atkinson, my man within the DTI, who, you will remember, brought us the exclusive news that Redwoods have been planted outside the department's file store in Wandsworth, has been back in touch to say that six of them have now turned orange. Charities: I am available and ready to serve. CRUNCH time on the greensward! Forget England v Pakistan, Khan v Botham (Khan definitely ahead on suits, in my view, and, my dear, those sunglasses!); I'm talking about the clash between Grim Gordon Brown's Chief Policy Wonk, The Man With The Brain The Size Of A Planet, The Man Who Really Knows The Neo Classical Post Endogenous Growth Theory, Ed Balls, and The Man Actually From Another Planet, John Redwood Cricket Balls batting, Redwood bowling.

Together, we can defeat the forces of republicanism, anarchy and envy. You will also notice, if you look above, that I am now displaying the initials of my first three names, Hector Runcorn Hercules, whose astonishing coincidental significance I have only just noticed. That nice Mr Fayed in Knightsbridge is bound to want to join in. I am also making soundings among palace "insiders" to determine whether Her Majesty would be prepared to mark some of her tasteful mementoes down a bob or two. Shopkeepers, display it in your windows and offer discounts to loyal subjects proffering their own Write in to me and I will gladly publicise your offers.

Cut it out along the dotted line and stick it on to something appropriate, such as a royal appointment cereal packet. Rumour is rife, enemies are abroad (in a villa in Provence, actually). What we need is a method whereby we of the proper, monarchical persuasion can recognise each other. That is why today the Captain is introducing Captain Moonlight's Royalty Loyalty Card.