Trying to look a decade ahead, they insouciantly assume that the world proceeds on tramlines. If some things are being privatised today, their duty is to dream up more things that could be privatised tomorrow; if fees for university students are being talked about now, fees for sixth- formers must be next. Result: full speed ahead for Election Victory! Hail Major! Hail Mawhinney! Hail Arnold!. What Is remarkable - and, in some respects, alarming - about last week's leaked Treasury paper on "strategic considerations" is how it accepts the present political consensus almost without question. Far from thinking the unthinkable, Kenneth Clarke's "kids" ponder the drearily familiar. The first session on the Tuesday opens with a major debate on Europe. The bold motion is submitted by the North West Hampshire Conservative Association, and it goes like this:"Recognising the massive achievement of the Government in preventing the gluttonous Europeans led by the 22-stone roly-poly Herr Kohl from feasting their fat bellies on some of our finest British Beef, this conference urges the Government to bring forth additional legislation to restrict consumption of our finest British cuts only to those who can really appreciate them, ie those who were born and bred in these isles, and are not members of pressure groups, minorities, factory workers, the unemployed, or other trouble-making organisations."I am delighted to say this motion will be answered by Mr Douglas Hogg, who has done so much to remind our European partners that the British are still perfectly able to laugh at themselves, or their elected representatives.First class! Other motions will follow, ending with a tour de force from Mr Michael Howard, graciously replying to a very positive motion congratulating the Home Office on the record number of people firmly locked up behind bars, and calling for still more prisons to be built, so that the guilty may in future be joined by the shifty, the shirty and the just plain scruffy.

For this reason I have designed a programme for the Conservative Party Conference that is designed to shout our very real achievements from the drainpipes.As usual, the Conference will be debating selected motions submitted by Conservative constituency associations up and down the country: as I always say, we in the Conservatives must never forget our ass roots. To my mind, this can only partly be explained by our inability, as yet, to lay our hands on a suitable message But we must never be slow in blowing up our own trumpets. Likewise Belgravia and some parts of West Sussex.Splendid! But we in the Tory party have not always been as good as we might be at getting our message across. Environment: no major earthquakes, volcanoes or tidal waves in Britain under this administration.5. International Trade: Great Britain's trade links with the Isle of Man have never been stronger.6. Arts and Leisure: English player reaches quarter-final at Wimbledon National pride restored.7.