Too many signs, and too many names on them to read.CONTRADICTORY SIGNS: At the junction of the A244 and A307 in Esher, Surrey, you may find a map sign saying 'no right turn', with two direction signs pointing right underneath.'OTHER DIRECTIONS': All of them except the one you're looking for. See them appear and disappear and then turn into Worthing.SIGNPOST CLUTTER: Blue ones, green ones, white ones, black ones, brown ones, yellow ones. Try following the signs to Brighton on the M27/A27 west to east. The only mildly cheering thought is that, apparently, it's a hell of a lot worse in Italy.SIGNPOST HELL: HOW THEY DRIVE YOU ROUND IN CIRCLESLEFT IN THE LURCH: You're gaily following the signs, then, quite suddenly, they disappear.

If it works, then the whole city will be 'stagecoached' at a cost of pounds 15m between 1995 and 1997.Motorists should perhaps avoid the capital then, for the next three years. Starting next month a trial scheme will be launched on the A4 in the west, signing motorists to the next three destinations, adding a new one as each one passes by. There were stories in the papers about pounds 10m being spent on the lovely new idea.Sadly though, the Department of Transport explains that it was too complicated in the end There is, however, a new plan afoot to 'Stagecoach' London. It was all to do with dividing the city up and sending the lost motorists off in the direction of points of a compass. What chance does the hapless motorist have?How to sort it out? Back in 1989 a fantastically exciting new plan was dreamed up for London It was marvellous. Once he found two signs to Cambridge next to each other on London's North Circular Road, pointing in opposite directions.

And a rather insignificant place might pop up on all the signs because the chairman of the council lives there.'Peter Guest, also a traffic consultant, describes inspecting a junction sporting 60 different signs, 40 of which needed changing. 'If someone in charge of signing doesn't like someone else on the council, you might find their home town or borough gets left off the signs. The whole system is a hotch-potch.'Another traffic consultant explained the 'Sign Wars' effect of local politics. Nobody wants to do it, it's not as glamorous as building roads Often you get the wrong person doing the job Signing is like a language and they don't understand it It's not properly checked or policed. Monger, who actually lectures in road signings, says that the Highway Agency's most recent regulations provide perfectly good guidelines - in theory 'The problem lies in the execution Signposting is the Cinderella of the road business. The next sign on the route said 'non- motorway traffic' and the next thing I knew I was on my way to Wokingham.'Road signing is a complicated business,' says Peter Monger, a consultant traffic engineer, with admirable understatement.

'Well, if there is a complaint such as this, obviously we would contact Berkshire.' Had anyone complained before? 'No.'On the way out of Reading I decided to forget about Basingstoke and picked up the sign to the M4 East. How was I to know?'Don't the different authorities liaise with each others about the signings?' I asked. But Keith, I am a stranger to both Reading and Church Street. You see, what I wanted to have done, he said, was to have turned right at the lights at Church Street.